The days when romance happened without finances are long gone, many women dreamed of finishing school, get a good job, then next on the bucket was of course marriage, then have many kids. We all know that this is no longer the case as modern women believe that marriage is not their calling or anything close to going by. ‘As my case, I’m one of the people. Since I was young, I could tell you I was going to have children. I used to have this mental image of my three beautiful girls playing in my garden,’ said a US-based television producer of a medical drama television series. The producer added that she had never even wanted to get married. She never played bride. According to her, she is never interested. And even don’t know what it is; in her case, she is not for the idea of getting married in short.
Many of such women are alleged to suffer from fear of getting married and having a family well known as gamophobia. One actress Chao Mwatela of the then TV Series, Mali for instance. She said that she does not really give much thought to marriage or motherhood. According to her that not something that would destroy her if it did not happen, but she is not averse to it. she added that she does not live her life thinking about it, but were it to happen, especially the urge for having kids, She would be just okay,” she shared with a local publication. Chao is in her mid-30s. What puzzles many is where the sweet, mellow, and loving homemaker went and what could have killed her maternal instincts.
My dad made me hate men
For some people, traumatizing childhood experiences play a major role in making such decisions as not getting married nor having kids. Ann Njambi’s parents ended their marriage when she was about ten years due to domestic abuse. She says she saw how the dad treated her mum and developed a negative view of men. she thought, Why would she want that life. As per her, she wouldn’t want to have kids and be tied down to a man forever. With her watching how her mother struggled to provide for the family after the split made her realize that having kids is indeed a huge financial burden. The 35-year-old explained, adding that, she hopes that one day she will find someone who shares similar sentiments, but until then, he is just surviving on a ‘hit-and-run’ arrangement.
Parenthood is just not my thing
To many, marriage and parenthood are some of the maternal things that most are born with, but for Mary Nanjala, a lecturer at one of our leading universities, says, it’s going to be her life. She is confided that she’s really good with other people’s children, but it just wasn’t within her. She dated one person in the past who actually said being with her was like “a vegan being with a butcher,” because she didn’t want to have kids. According to the guy he used to have dolls when he was little because he was so eager to grow up and have kids. That was a killer for their relationship, Mary explained, adding that, she is quite happy on her own and thinks some people confuse that with selfishness, but realistically, she thinks sheshouldn’t have a child if she doesn’t have the desire for one.
Can’t lose my wasp waistline
Many women, unbelievably as it may sound, they are not even willing to let go of their youthful looks for a whole nine months of bloated look and baby fat thereafter. The thought of having a bulging tummy covered in loose-fitting outfits instead of their usual attractive spandex is somehow depressing. Suzy Moraa, a 30-year-old city model has vowed not to ever get a baby. Well, she is also aware that traditionally, that makes it equally hard for her to get a man to settle down with. So she has been told that she will be lonely in her old age, but then again, according to her who won’t love a granny with firm breasts and a flat tummy. Okay, ‘Like, looking at Will Smith’s 60-year-old mother-in-law. Huh, Isn’t she still rocking it?” a rather carefree Moraa quipped.
Blame it on my ex
‘Everything but a man,’ men around women while growing up can also have much influence on major decisions. From fathers, brothers, ex-boyfriends to friends. Lucy Manyanya does not see herself getting married or even thinking about it in the future after five traumatizing years with an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend who used to tell her that she will never get another man like him. He made her feel worthless and not once did he ever compliment her. Lucy thinks that after such a horrible experience, she doesn’t even think of any but better off alone. She said she doesn’t need someone who keeps reminding her of her flaws.
Too busy for a family
In today’s world where women actually go to their hairdressers at midnight due to tight schedules, so where do a man and a baby fit in? Yes, we all know that ladies can multi-task, but when they are struggling up the corporate ladder, some things can just either wait or get totally left out. Benta Zainabu, who works for a power company, does not consider having time for a family. According to her, she would love to have a family, but she is so afraid not to have a good job if she have makes that decision. She travels a lot and her family would tie her down. She believes no husband would allow her wife to fly out after every two days.
The good men are taken
Okay, Just like men believe that beautiful women are yet to be born, some women also believe that all good men are taken and the only option open for now is becoming second wives. But we all know that women are very jealous in nature and it’s either they have it full all or nothing at all. Jesica Aoko gave up on marriage after a number of heartbreaks. She says she dated about three guys who cheated on her and this let her made the decision to start dating a married man. In her case, things did not work out well because he kept dividing his time between her and his other family. So she decided that she don’t really need a man to make her happy. And that she just might adopt a child one day.
Kids? Nah! I’m middle class
Most of Kenyan middle-class women have this habit of copypasting what deemed to be cool and classy, and not having a family is like a fashion statement to some of them. Eugenia Wacu, a nurse based in Nairobi is one of them. For her, the man who she is dating is a Swiss man who has no plans of marrying nor even starting a family with. She says that they already agreed on that, and they will not move in together or even exchange rings at all. According to her, a marriage certificate is just but a paper. To her what really matters is love. She says she is very lucky that her partner does not want children either. Not having a child does not make her a lesser woman. Besides, the world is no longer a safe place to bring up children, her words.
The time to give birth is up
Also, the age factor is mostly an influence on many people’s careers. Some women go on to spend most of their youth age working and totally ignore their social life. They only realize that it’s too late when all men their age are married with kids in schools. Mark Wanyama, a 24-year-old college student confesses that he is dating such a woman. He says she is 45 years old, very independent, but has no plans of settling down. She has made it clear that their relationship is only a convenient relationship since her time to give birth is long gone. Of course, due to societal expectations, settling down with him is out of the question. Her close friends don’t even know about him, Mark makes it loud.
Nature shut the door
Also, a good number of women want to get married but nature won’t allow them at all, yet in African society, marriages go hand in hand with baby-making. Owino Alice developed fibroids when she was in her early 20s. Her doctors told her that due to the nature of the complications that arose from the fibroids, the chances of her getting a baby were close to zero. She says her experience with the first man confidently broke her heart. She then vowed not to share any information with any man again, and dating or even getting married is out of the question for her. She currently works as a volunteer in a children’s home in the Nairobi suburbs.
My family is too demanding
Last but not least, family expectations can also jeopardize a woman’s chances of getting a husband. Take Joys Njambi for example, whose mother and brothers messed up two of her chances to get married. According to her, the first time she moved in with her man, her mother moved in too, claiming that she needed to teach her how to treat a husband. That overwhelmed him and they had to break up. The second time she had an argument with her then-boyfriend and her brothers decided to teach the poor man a lesson by beating him up. That was enough disappointment that Joys went through vowing not to get married again. And now each time her family puts pressure on her, she reminds them that they are the reason she made that decision.